Livin’ la vida Shardlow: tips on Tabis, employment, and securing that all-important shag
Welcome to CHECK-OUT CHICKS. Your one-stop shop for the juiciest gossip, most embarrassing stories, and didn’t-need-to-know dating advice. With our team of the most prolific non-qualified, probably-shouldn’t-be-dishing-out-any-type-of-help fashion journos in the game, get ready for an expert round of sh*t chatting tips and tricks.
Salutations readers, I know you know me! Welcome to my inaugural advice column. For those of you who do know me, yes, you may find it preposterous that I’m doing this OR just maybe you’re dying to live la vida Shardlow. I mean, haven’t you always yearned to neck a Malibu and Coke in a pair of Ganni cowboy boots and do a dramatic reading of your latest tweets to an adoring audience of 30-year-old investment bankers in the smoking area of Ridley Road?
Anyway, I digress, back to the column. Your beloved pint-sized East London dwelling, Jacquemus bag toting, prolific sh*t chatting fashion journalist is here to solve all your quibbles and qualms. And before you think it’s pretty rich that I’m handing out advice, just remember that Freud once said the Irish are impervious to psychoanalysis. And of course, Agent Provocateur said sexy never takes a day off! Bisous!
Phoebe! I really can’t decide between Margiela Tabi shoes or Balenciaga Triple S’ - help!
FROM: Shoexsie Shoux
Shoexsie, I’m not even going to weigh up the options here and be diplomatic, I’m a cleft-toe maniac after all. If you enjoy even the slightest morsel of attention you’ve got to choose the Tabi, it’s perhaps the most attention-seeking item of clothing to exist. To those outside the perimeters of fashion, it’s so perverse, so repugnant — yet so alluring. I saw an Instagram post recently from @markfisherquotes describing the Tabi as perversely fuckable and it’s TRUE! To wear a pair of Tabis to the local pub is a sheer thrill. Boys will ask you which toe goes where, why you’re dressed as a goat? They are obsessed with me and I LOVE IT!
How do I get a job in fashion?
FROM: Miss Funemployed
Talk about loaded question Miss Funemployed! I don’t think there’s a formula for getting a job in fashion but I’ll tell you (FOR FREE!) two qualities I always admire about people. Firstly, contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe there’s always an importance in being earnest. We’re reviewing Prada, not saving lives - do I look like a heart surgeon to you? That is not to say I’m discrediting fashion, it’s my life, but I honestly believe that having a good sense of humour and never trying to over-intellectualise yourself will send you very far. My second tip is again, quite simple - JUST ENJOY THINGS! This might sound easy but so many people love to critique, hate, and judge. They think it makes them seem intellectual but it’s just exhausting. If you geek out on Galliano, David LaChappelle, or even Manolo Blahniks, why should you be embarrassed? It’s assuring and sexy to be comfortable with your taste. The only thing I can never condone is anyone liking Maria Grazia Chiuri for Dior, of course.
I’m terrified of being without a shag when lockdown is over but I just can’t keep my attention focused on my Hinge matches, what do I do?
FROM: Quentin Quarantino
Quentin, my dude, you are preaching to the choir right now. I find dating app chat tedious, regardless of being confined to my house. So may I recommend just not doing it? I overheard on a podcast a while ago that if you’re hot enough, any app can become a dating one (I’m currently trying to get laid via eBay). I opt to conduct shag-min (also known as scouting for boys) via Instagram. Call me superficial but there’s a reason Shardlow autocorrects to shallow. Post a naughty selfie, be horny on main, and let those chips fall wherever they may.
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