Mad about the Boy: My journey to becoming Timothee Chalamet’s number one Chalamander
OMG. Okay, so these are my OBSESSION CONFESSIONS. I know, maybe it’s a little embarrassing, but come on… Surely I can’t be the only one? This series is about all the things that we can’t take our eyes off, the latest viral TikTok trends, the secret infatuations with certain former boyband members…okay I’m only going to say this one more time, surely I can’t be the only one?
I have always wondered why TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET stans were not called Chalamanders. I’m pretty sure Timmy would appreciate the Pokémon pun and it really just rolls off the tongue, right? I fear that my family think Timothée Chalamet is my boyfriend due to the fact I carry around a small photograph of the actor in my PRADA card holder (if you were wondering, it’s a pic of him wearing GIVENCHY at The King premiere in New York City), but honestly, I just like having the TC close to me! I’m proud to say that, truly, I am a Chalamander at heart.
I’m trying to recall when my desire to become Phoebe Shardlow-Chalamet (undefeated double barrelled surname, IMO) began... The moment I first laid eyes on Timothée Chalamet my heart was experiencing the emotional equivalent of a grazed knee, not broken but it felt like a bit of an inconvenience. My housemates and I had all piled into bed to watch Call Me By Your Name off a dodgy looking website projected onto our bedroom wall. That’s when I first saw him, against the backdrop of my local Tottenham, and I instantly liked what I saw. How could I ever be snotting all over the place because of some guy when Timothée Chalamet existed?
Catharsis can take many different shapes and forms, and from that day, Timothée Chalamet became my emotional support white boy. Broken hearts, failed situationships, dodgy dates and just general yearning could all be soothed by a peruse of his filmography (which is really very good TBH), binging chat show appearances or in my darkest moments; a read of fan-fiction. Because objectively Timothée Chalamet is my type; he’s lanky, a brunette and looks great in Prada Nylon. And yet, Timmy’s not like those other boys. He’s not gonna go and snog someone else, tell me I’m useless at rolling or to “go write about JOHN GALLIANO on my blog.” Timothée’s there to lull me to sleep whether he’s Henry V or Laurie in Little Women (my man looks good in period costume).
In the summer of 2019 (an absolute travesty dating-wise), I watched Call Me By Your Name 15 times. For a good six months I couldn’t fall asleep without listening to Visions of Gideon, the film’s closing song where (spoiler alert!) Elio, (Timothée Chalamet), weeps into the fireplace after finding out his lover, Oliver (Armie Hammer), is engaged to someone else. It’s a cruel world out there but Timmy makes it better. After all, he’s been through it like the rest of us. I mean, he brings his fans bagels for goodness sake!
Perhaps part of the sex appeal is that he could be anyone. There is that familiarity with Chalamet where he could be any guy with an IDEA BOOKS tote bag smoking a rollie outside Hackney Central station. It’s an innocuous familiarity combined with a je ne sais quoi superstar quality, he’s totally the Prince Charming of all softbois, the crème de la crème. But this sexy little man-child has caused a new problem for me - my beer goggles have a Chalamet filter over them.
It all started on a date I had forced myself to go on, Hinge admin and what not. However, by my third Bacardi and Coke I was no longer sitting opposite some skater boy from Peckham but rather it was Timothée Chalamet. “Has anyone ever told you that you look a bit like Timothée Chalamet?” I enquired. As soon as the TC escaped my lips, it was instantly obvious I wanted to snog him, although which him I was referring to, skater boy or Chalamet, I’m still unsure.. A few weeks later I was in the midst of another Chalamet imposter spotting in my local pub - I called him Timmy all night and he had no idea what I was on about. I blocked his number when I found out he was really into Steely Dan. A few days after that, my Uber driver in Paris was called TIMOTHÉE! Coincidence, non?
I’d like to think that Timothée and I would get on really well - did you know he’s also a Barb? His favourite NICKI MINAJ song is Roman’s Revenge. There’s even a video of Chalamet under the guise of his rap persona, ‘Lil’ Timmy Tim’, donning an electric pink wig and performing the song onstage while he attended the prestigious New York performing arts school, LaGuardia. Who else went to that school, you ask? Aside from JENNIFER ANISTON and AZEALIA BANKS, it was none other than queen Onika Tanya Maraj-Petty herself! ICON BEHAVIOUR.
This past week, you may have seen us Chalamanders going a bit nutty to The French Dispatch, Wes Anderson’s latest flick starring Timmy, which premiered at the Cannes Film Festival. You may not believe me, but we had a whole countdown on Twitter leading up to the day we’d finally get new red carpet pics of the star. And let me tell you our boy delivered! Wearing a metallic TOM FORD suit, Chalamet did all of his signature weird poses while swarmed by paparazzi and fans. He nuzzled Tilda Swinton and generally just looked like a cool little guy. This week, the Chalamander’s were fed at last and all I can say is, here’s to many more meals. Hopefully one day I’ll get to ask the TC if he prefers Diet Coke or regular.
(Timothée if you’re reading this, I am free Friday night, tweet me!)
“Timmy what’s your favorite Nicki Minaj’s song ?”
— musetta - timothée chalamet daily (@Musetta_May) April 1, 2020
(crowd totally silent listening to him)
Timothée: “Roman’s Revenge !” pic.twitter.com/7EW6xACpdQ